Nearly every week I get at least one person who wants nutritional advice and tips on losing weight, starting in the kitchen. For some, I am very detailed with my breakdowns on what foods to eat and at what times of the day to eat them, depending on their daily activities and nutritional needs. More often than not, the particular person will look ecstatic to have learned something new and knowing that they are going to change their life in one of the most energy-fueled and positive fashions.
Cut to one year later, and their weight loss has either subsided, not moved an ounce, or they flat-out gained weight. "I don't know what the fuck I've been doing wrong," they might say, clearly angry at the apparent sleepwalking-based stuffing of food into their faces. "I've done everything you've told me to and I haven't lost a single pound!" Essentially, they are calling me a fucking asshole who somehow is the reason THEY have GAINED weight.
"Well, what did you have for breakfast thi' smorning?" I may ask in my typical early-day slur of speech from all the bullshit I've just been fed.
"I had two cups of Cheerios, and a cup of fat-free milk..."
"OK, that sounds totally fine and delicious," I respond, clearly rushing my words due to the gagging sensation I get from the smell of cow feces emanating from their mouth.
"...well...." The way that word rolls off of their tongue immediately discourages me and portends of a dark foreshadowing, much like the disappointment following your crushed childhood memories as you witness your favorite professional "wrestler" from the 90s shooting steroids into his nuts in the gym locker room. My heart sinks because I know I am about to be told the holy grail of nutritional shortcomings.
"...well....I do put a scoop of sugar on top of the cereal, too."
A scoop. Not a spoonful, a pinch, or a lump or two. A fucking scoop. So, all the planning I've done because you asked me to help has been completely thrown aside like an 80s hair band reunion tour. I received the sense of blame because you took what I wrote down for you as, "Eat what I just planned out for you, but go ahead and add a donut on top of that egg white omellette because you're at least having an egg white omellette."
THEN, they tell me that they heard from a doctor on TV that a lemon juice and cheyenne pepper "cleanse" for two straight weeks will do the weight loss trick. What in the donkey dick HELL are you paying me for?!
In response, I've decided to get to the point of this fucking rant and just add my two-cents into the whole shebang of "quick and easy diets" that make absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever nutritionally for a human being (but may work if you were a gawdamn human chrysanthemum - I'm talking to you, you "breatharian" idiots).
The HOT POCKET Diet!!!!
Here's how it works, step-by-step:
1) You wait until Hot Pockets go on sale at your local supermarket. Go to the market with $10 and buy 13 boxes of them, because any "meal" that costs less than a dollar must be good for you.
2) Throw away your leftover bananas from the banana diet that didn't fucking work.
3) While you're at it, throw away your "Paleo diet" handbook that you bought from your local Crossfit instructor who is apparently also very knowledgeable in the field of archaeology and the comings-and-goings of the Stone Age weight lifter.
4) Prepare one (1) Hot Pocket sandwich for breakfast, two (2) for lunch, and one (1) more for dinner.
5) Wake up the next morning, and shit out said Hot Pockets in a stream of diarrhea that will weigh at least 2 1/3 pounds in a mixture that includes the inner lining of your lower intestines and an inch of your colon.
6) Curl up in bed and wish you'd just listened to the advice you paid for a year ago.
If you intend to lose weight the right way, it will take a little bit of time that includes the digestion and absorption of a healthy balance of essential and non-essential nutrients. Or you can lose weight the Hot Pocket way. Just stock up on those wet butt wipes (the flush-able kind, unless you want to plunge your memories of bad decisions a few days later).