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Here's where you'll find things that annoy me and things that I feel like ranting about.

Assholes of the Week - Bathroom Grunters

JJ Mortimer

Many noises don't belong anywhere outside of your own home.  Your snorting, your erratic throat clearing in a quiet movie theater, the smacking sound your lips make when you lick your fingers, all of which should have had focus groups and "anti" ads long before smoking or not wearing your seat belt ever did.

What gets me the most piss-on-a-baby-seal's-face angry is just how easy it is for some men (I won't say women, because women don't shit - ever) to walk into a public restroom stall, drop their pants, pray to God aloud, and grunt out what could only be described in tomorrow's newspaper as "the first ever birth to a softball-sized stone out of a human asshole."

In all seriousness, I've seen videos of women giving natural child birth making less sound than some men who take public shits.  The agony apparent in the sounds of their voice can give immediate visuals to what twisted nature their face must be in; the thoughts in their mind must only be acute upon the nature of changing their habit of eating Taco Bell on the way to and from work.

"Unnnh!  Rrrrrnh!  Gaaaaaahhh!"  Plop.  Ploooop.  Ffffpppppllllllbbbbbssssshit!

Fucking hell.  Have some consideration for other people in your vicinity.  The outright nature with which you chose to go into a place that hundreds, perhaps thousands, of people have sat their asses on, separated only by a thin door with a half-inch crease in between for any 10-year old to peer in and laugh at you, must be something that only a caged polar bear in a zoo could understand.   So why, in all that is good and great in Nature, would you treat a public environment (created for humans) like your own private pig sty?

I for one am very uncomfortable using a public restroom (obviously).  I hate the fact that anyone can tell who specifically is currently taking a shit just by looking at the brand of shoes that are visible under the door.  Then there's the paint-peeling smell that is unmasked by walls, and open to all of the public.  These are all minor details when compared to the sound of someone actually pushing out their shit.  The explosion of diarrhea from the man who tried the Hot Pocket Diet is a thing of wonder, but the agony in his voice is enough for you to question whether humans have it in themselves to continue on as a species. 

I have never taken a shit, even in the comfort and solitude of my own home, that required anyone next door to hear me having a potential aneurysm.  So why, on God's good brown earth, would you want complete strangers in a busy, public restroom (who are going to see you in a matter of minutes by the the Cinnabon you just ate at) to hear you cursing in Klingon while presenting the world with a shit that is in defiance of the confines of natural human anatomy?

Keep your mouth shut, and eat cleaner foods.  If you're taking a shit at the gym, and everything coming out of your ass sounds like an empty Heinz ketchup bottle giving it's last breath of air, you need to reconsider how you lead your fucking life.

You eat like shit and you'll shit like shit.  Maybe your ass will stop burning if you drank more water, and we won't all have to hear you pledging your allegiance to a random Greek god for your shit to have safe passage to the nether realm of Hades. 

Keep up this ass violence, and diarrhea will become the top of the food chain because of how much it's eating your insides out.