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Big Screen return of the Power Rangers


Here's where you'll find things that annoy me and things that I feel like ranting about.

Big Screen return of the Power Rangers

JJ Mortimer

Seriously, what the hellfuck?

Bombs, bombs, bombs, bombs everywhere.  Nearly every movie reboot/remake/re-imagining is crashing hard at the box office, mainly because they are related to a product that was popular over 15 years ago.  Of all the kids who thought the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers were "hip" and "with it" back in 1995, probably 10% would enjoy the concept of a big-screen reboot today only because those 10% have brain development issue and still love the "pretty jumping punch-punch colors."

I figure that Hollywood should just go balls-out and mix the newest rendition of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" with the Power Rangers, and have an hour-and-a-half long smack-down that retarded children, pedophiles, and 300-pound fanboys can all enjoy as they masturbate to images of the Pink Ranger kicking Donatello in his non-existent balls.

Straight-up reboots and re-imaginings are just about the laziest decisions that producers have been making since the early 2000s, with only a handful being either truly successful or enjoyable.  Off the top of my head, I can hardly think of one that was either, except maybe the G.I. Joe movies which were sort of fun and made their money back (I'm sure in hindsight I could think of more if I did the research, but I'm not going to do work while I'm pissed off for fuck's sake).

What I CAN tell you off the top of my head are more than a handful of remakes/reboots/re-imaginings that were either very shitty movies or just plain-ol' fucking wastes of production money.  Many of these movies were terrible because they either came out at the wrong time (being remakes of films that were timely in their release and theme), missed the mark completely on why they were made in the first place, missing nearly ALL of the things that made the original great, or were just plain DULL:

Nightmare on Elm Street, The Fog, Total Recall, Red Dawn, Clash of the Titans, The Amazing Spider-Man (yes, I put that because it was FUCKING UNNECESSARY), Planet of the Apes (Tim Burton version), Alice in Wonderland (Tim Burton version), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Tim Burton version), Halloween, Halloween II, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th, Amityville Horror, The Hitcher, Arthur, "I, Frankenstein," Conan the Barbarian, Superman Returns, .....fuck, my head hurts.

I'm sure we'll be adding Robocop, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and the inevitable Poltergeist remake once I see them.