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Assholes of the Week - "Duck Face" Abusers


Here's where you'll find things that annoy me and things that I feel like ranting about.

Assholes of the Week - "Duck Face" Abusers

JJ Mortimer

The duck face, also known as the "myspace face", was cute for about a day-and-a-half.  That girl you may have had a crush on back in the early 2000s might have used it, and you thought to yourself, "Hey, I bet she kisses really well with lips...shaped asshole."

"Fuck," was the word you then completed your thought with, especially when you considered that the "face" resembled more an overly-expressive rectum than an actual duck.  The original face was intended for the upper lip to push out further than the lower in order to give the impression of a duck's bill.  Over time, the people who used it got lazy, resorting to simply tightened their lips in a wrinkled sphincter-like circle, and evolving into today what is known as the standard "duck face".

Now, why are the people who use this "duck face" assholes, you may ask?  Well, obviously I'm going to say, you impatient fuck.  The reason using a "duck face" makes you an asshole is simply because you still use it, according to the studies I'm pretending to have done.  The "duck face" assholes are the ones who still use it while taking their self-indulgent, self-centered 'selfies', and do so without any sense of irony.  The ones who use it ironically are just douchebags.  Anyone who does it, in the end, is just an asshole (pun intended).

The duck-sphincter-asshole-rectum face actually isn't cute.  Some people thought it was, but those people were actually baboons taught to navigate social media.  You may be a good looking woman (I say woman because the only men who do this shit are the orange-tanned New Jersey frat boys still duck face with their flipped-up-collar polo shirts, and they aren't really considered human so I won't acknowledge their existence), but making the part of your face that started the career of Angelina Jolie look like Mickey Rooney's dead anus just goes to show that you really don't give a shit about the good qualities you may have.  You also don't understand in your attempt to make yourself look as pleasing, cute, energetic, and inspirational as possible by making a face that originally resembled an animal that eats rotten bread and shits more than pigeons, you are showing you don't give a shit about how stupid and entitled the rest of society views you.

"Why should anyone follow what anyone else thinks of them?  If she wants to use a duck face, then let her use a duck face without being afraid of what other people think!"  OK, fine, but these are the same people who will then make general posts about how nobody takes them seriously and how people need to respect and show them courtesy.  The "duck face" is a skewed emblem, much like how the swastika became a symbol of the Third Reich.  It once stood for something else, but the moment it's taken out of context and turned into something much, much worse, it's your fucking fault for continuing to use it in hopes that it becomes something it no longer is.  

Presenting the 1912 Canadian ice hockey championship team, the Windsor Swastikas.  The swastika used to be a symbol of peace and luck before ze Germans looked at it cross-eyed.

Presenting the 1912 Canadian ice hockey championship team, the Windsor Swastikas.  The swastika used to be a symbol of peace and luck before ze Germans looked at it cross-eyed.

Yes, I compared making a duck face to the skewed swastika used by the Nazis.  I'm not saying that by using the duck face that you are a Hitler-sympathizer, but I AM saying you are an asshole for being so self-centered as to not realize just how self-centered making your mouth look like it's inviting a proctological exam truly looks.

For the love of God, please, PLEASE, I beg of you - STOP using the duck face unless you already physically resemble a fluctuating chocolate cavern.  In that case, your life is already over because you are a lamprey, not a human.

P.S.  If only one of those hockey players in the picture above had impersonated a duck...