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"You're an Asshole!" - Banks


Here's where you'll find things that annoy me and things that I feel like ranting about.

"You're an Asshole!" - Banks

JJ Mortimer

I can go in so many directions with this one.  I could complain about literally anything involving money and say it's "the bank's fault".  I can talk about the housing crash and say how it was all the bank's fault in lending money to anyone just short of a gorilla.  But the big ideas aren't what I'm after.  I'm complaining about the physical buildings - the banks themselves with people inside of them.

But first off, how fucking stupid do advertisers really need to make everyone think they are by shortening every name in existence.  Bank of America is now BOFA.  Washington Mutual is now WaMu.  Pretty soon Chase is going to be a clicking sound made on the upper palate with the tongue. 

"Yeah, but some of those abbreviations are just easy ways for the company to get people to remember their ticker name in the stock market."  Exactly why they are assholes, though.  They want you to remember their abbreviation so that MORE of your money can go to them.  The banks are like a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos - the white balls are your testicles, and the banks are biting rapidly to eat them.  I know that has nothing to do with money, but that's just what it feels like sometimes to let a bank hold your money.  They have you by the balls.  With their fat, ugly mouths.


So I walk into the bank as I always do because I enjoy seeing my check physically go into someone's hand, and I like having interaction with a human being as they hand me some cash back.  I enjoy saying the words "thank you", which is something I would only look insane doing saying to an ATM machine.  I stand in line and quickly fill out my deposit slip.  As I'm finishing doing so, two other people walk in and go directly past me five seconds before I finish.  They don't offer to let me have my space in line.  They just ignore the fact that I was ever there.  Now, these people don't have to let me have my space, and I won't ask for it.  I just think it's a dick move to just cut in front of someone in line at the bank as they're just finishing up filling out a slip.  Me, I wait for a moment to see if the person ahead of me is just finishing filling out their forms, so therefore I feel people who don't wait at least a couple seconds are complete shit-covered assholes.  That's just me, and it has nothing to do with the banks because tangents are addicting and I like apples.

There are now five of us in line.  I was second into the bank, and somehow now fifth in line.  Fuck it.  I look ahead, and no tellers are at their windows.  Two women are standing behind one that is closed, counting money and typing shit into a computer.  For all I know, she's found a way to update Facebook on a computer that doesn't support that ability.  There's another teller, but she's slowly doing a merchant service, which for those of you who have had to deposit money for a company know that this can take a few minutes.

What really pisses me off is that the bank tellers often get in to the bank with enough time to get their shit together, have their money counted, and be ready to work once the door is unlocked.  This time, they did not.  And they looked like they didn't even give a shit.  Cool, the bank is like the supermarket.  Maybe the person in the front of the line can start a conversa.....

Fuck.  The guy is totally talking to the one working teller about how he starting working on his planes again.  Go fly off a fucking bridge, you cock-nosed goon.

Finally I get up to the teller, I hand her my check (as I do every two weeks) and say "hello, how are you?" as I always politely do.  I then use a very specific group of muscles to contort my face so that my lips make this very specific shape to form a physical acknowledgment of pleasantry that just happen to show my slightly-yellowed teeth.  She returns the greeting.

"Hello, how's your day so far?" she responds, at 9:12am, as though I've been awake for several hours like a crack-addicted Japanese man who hasn't adjusted to the time change from Tokyo to Los Angeles.  I let it slide, because it's a casual greeting and nobody gives a shit anymore about those.  "Well, not much has happened yet.  I did take a nice shit, so I have that going for me."

I didn't really say that last part.  I said the day was great, but got somehow immediately annoyed with her following comment.

"You know you can just deposit your check and take care of all your banking needs through the ATM.  Have you ever tried direct deposit?"

Both of these things fucking irritated me.  I like talking to people.  I don't want to allow a company to send my money to the bank on their own electronic whim.  If I allow that, I might get lazy with double-checking to make sure all my funds are accounted for (since i work on a clientele basis).  I also like human interaction, and again this woman was trying to be as robotic as possible to really make me consider going to the ATM and asking it if it would like to have lunch with me.  It felt to me as though banks are trying really fucking hard to get people out of the actual bank and into the sphere of online banking (without the use of cash) with credit and binary code.  I can almost understand the anger and resentment in the machine-like nature of the teller because she's essentially trying to get rid of the need for her job, which includes....her actual job.  She's trying very hard to be jobless by way of desecrating her position, is what I'm saying.

What's worse is that my bank now has thick, bulletproof glass protecting the tellers and our ears from the sound waves emanating from the human voice box.  They install this thick plastic material in front of these people's faces, yet the tellers don't seem to understand that you can't whisper through a wall and expect the person in the other room to hear you.  The most common word I hear inside the bank now is, "What?"  I would prefer "pardon me", but that's another subject of for future reporting of assholery.

On a personal note:  Every time I walk into my bank I'm looked at as though I'm going to rob the place.   Bald and bearded is very uncommon; apparently, nobody in my town has this look.  So I have two options - one, I look like a complete moron and make dumb faces as I stare blankly at my check over and over while in line to make myself look less threatening; or two, I play the role and keep the most sinister look on my face in hopes that something comes out of it.  Some bit of excitement, like the FBI responding (somehow faster than the local police) and detaining me because I look like 367 other suspects that recently robbed a bank in Tulsa.  Could be fun.

Lastly, I can't fucking stand how so many stores that are interesting, like ones selling trinkets, games, movies, candy, sex toys, etc., are closing and being replaced with banks.  Every gawdamn shopping center needs two banks in the 21st century - one on both ends to bookend your spending habits with an ability to close in on the rest of your money like a metaphorical vice.

Shopping centers used to be about fun.  You'd go to the local arcade or video store, buy something new, or pay some of your allowance to buy an ice cream cone.  Mom & Pop stores that existed and thrived on you spending your money.  Now, all we have are banks.  Banks that want to take your allowance and put it into one of their accounts that benefit you in almost no way in the long run, with constant fees and interest rates that would even make an Italian loan shark from Jersey say, "That's...pretty fuckin' high."  Your ten dollars would become $4.50 by the end of the month.

All I'm saying is, people need to continue being people to each other, and not try to pawn us off to be subject their electronic services.  And by electronic services, I'm also talking about their machine-like demeanor with their customer service.  Otherwise, put a fucking pinball machine in the corner of your bank and at least make these wastes of building space worth going to.