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Asshole of the Week - "Cheap Baristas"


Here's where you'll find things that annoy me and things that I feel like ranting about.

Asshole of the Week - "Cheap Baristas"

JJ Mortimer

Right away, I don't want to call people who make near minimum wage and create a generic cup of bitter black sugar water with tasteless spermicidal foam on top as "baristas".  You are either a "coffee dude" or a "coffee chick."  And those quotes should only go around the word "coffee", because Juan Valdez just decided to re-immigrate back to Columbia because of the death of his legacy.

Anyway, what pisses me off the most is not necessarily the coffee makers as a general whole (because I've had a few over the years who know how to make the shit out of a cup of coffee), but the ones who fill your large, near-$5 cup about two-thirds of the way up and leave their idea of "foam" to fill the rest.

Years ago, your local coffee maker would ask if you'd like to leave room at the top for foam.  You'd respond typically with a "no", and they'd fill the cup the rest of the way with the fluid you actually paid money for - you know, the fluid that actually has weight and substance and doesn't dissolve like cotton candy in water when you blow lightly on it.  In the recent years, and especially in the last couple weeks, prices have just been announced to be INCREASED. 

Starbucks is the main asshole here.  I usually go to Coffee Bean now about once a month on a special occasion, only because I started to feel gypped with the light weight of my cup of diarrhea that, amazingly, helps me clear my bowels in a brown slushy sleet storm.  Both major chains are following suit on a company that makes a shit-ton of money serving people addictive liquid shit - they needlessly raise the prices, and at the same time give you less quality AND quantity.  Starbucks just happens to run point on this assault of assholery.

So, back to the foam-ish substance layering the inside of my coffee cup lid.  I didn't ask for foam.  They gave it to me.  And they gave it to me hard.  I take the cup, and it feels about the weight of a shot of whiskey.  This I find hilarious, because in about two years, we are going to be paying roughly the same amount for a cup of coffee as you would a shot of decent liquor at a bar, and for pretty much the same amount of liquid. 

I'm not a public complainer - I save it for blog entries and angry rants because it's more fun to hide behind a computer and troll than it is to make a public declaration and act like a total ass.  The reason I don't speak up and complain in public is because of my decided "social contract".  I worked customer service for over ten years, and I've heard just about everything a minimum wage employee can hear while working behind a counter.  Regardless of the joyless banter you get from 90% of people you serve hand and foot on, I never slighted anyone.  I never treated anyone with disrespect or discourtesy.  Even the ones who threatened to get physical, which I loved the most because anyone stupid enough to try anything would have been put to sleep.

But fucking come on.  I just paid $4.55 for a large latte that, when I took the lid off of the cup, the liquid was one-and-a-half fucking inches from the top.  And here's the best part:

Last month, the last time I got a cup of coffee and had the same effect of "lack of coffee in my cup", there was the foam issue.  Today, I took the lid off, and...there was no fucking foam.  No foam to at least take up the space.  I literally paid $4.55 for a cup of coffee that would have fit in a medium, or a spilled-over small. 

"These are your pitiful First World problems."  Fuck yeah they are.  And I am going to complain my ass off and be pissed about it without any kind remorse because I do live in the United States, I do work for my money, I do expect to get what I paid for, and I do want my $4.55 worth of motherfucking coffee in my motherfucking stomach so that I can have a decent shit before playing video games on my giant television set.

So here's to you, coffee bitches.  A send-off from the Caruso: