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Asshole of the Week - "KFC Commercials"


Here's where you'll find things that annoy me and things that I feel like ranting about.

Asshole of the Week - "KFC Commercials"

JJ Mortimer

The Colonel says, "It's finger lickin' fuckin' disgusting!"

The Colonel says, "It's finger lickin' fuckin' disgusting!"

If I wrote this article in the 90s, I would be talking about how much I fucking hated the commercials for Carl's Jr. and their "If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face" bullshit campaign.  I remember those ads being the first to truly disgust me, even when there was a really hot woman eating the burger (except for Paris Hilton - she made me want to vomit before she ate her burger which I'm sure she then summarily followed up by jamming her middle finger down the back of her throat).

Today, I can't begin to tell you just how much I despise the KFC "filming my family while they're eating" commercials.  Oh, who am I kidding?!  Of COURSE I can tell you how much I hate them!

*Disclaimer:  None of what you may consider to be my attempts at any kind of sociological or psychological information is based in any kind of factual information.  I research none of my personal findings, and I don't give a fuck.  Enjoy.

1)  They cater to the lowest common denominator of middle class home life.

In this ad, we have two "happy" adults, filming themselves while their two children drown out any attempt at communication with the other people in their immediate area.  The son is content with slowly becoming deaf, and the daughter can't take her eyes off of her gawdamn phone.  Neither one of them are content with assimilating any abilities at social, person-to-person interaction that may help them in future jobs, family life, or relationship dilemmas.  Yet somehow this is fine, because these two parents are idiots for allowing this to happen, and even filming it to show the world just how little a shit they give.  This is what KFC thinks of you - that yeah it's important for your family to gather, but let's be real people; your kids don't want to talk to you.

And if they REALLY wanted to be realistic with their parents not giving a shit about their kids not giving a shit, they should go to the extreme of reality and just show the kids walk up, grab some food, and go back into their rooms in their own little happy worlds of denial, ignorance, and care-free living in their sheltered existence.

2)  The families, especially the moms, are extremely happy with feeding their family fried "chicken" instead of delivering a healthier, home-cooked meal.

Before feminists get up in arms, the reason I highlighted the mother figure in this situation is because the commercials are more centralized on the mother character pleased with herself for feeding her family.  Therefore, I assume by deduction and reasoning that she's the main decider on what food the family eats and is probably the primary cook for the family.  So shut up.

What is decidedly irritating is that, in this world of growing concern for health and proper family habitation and socialization, KFC wants to show that this is how families gather - with shitty "food" on the table.  People may consider the fact that the children hate the food they make them, so "I give the fuck up" is their response.  Here's a bucket of fried bullshit to feet your ugly, non-contribution faces.

3)  I don't want to see people eating, and I REALLY don't want to see people talking while eating.

I can't get over this.  It all started with two girls dipping chicken shit nuggets into sauce and chewing the fuck out of them in front of what I'm assuming is supposed to be their "live" Skype feed, as though anyone gave a shit what their opinion was on cheap food.  Since then each one of KFC's commercials ends with the person who's filming taking a giant bite of their food with their face right up in the fucking camera.  Just to give you an idea of how much my eye is twitching in pain from this, I used to have a list of pet peeves and irritations listing over 538 items long.  Eating disgraces took up three spots in the top 10.

In the newest KFC commercial (as of this writing), the dad does that atrocious thing where a person sticks their tongue all the way out of their mouth before taking a bite, showing all the bits and pieces of the food they were just chewing. 

Fuck.  Off.

In the same commercial, the mom, who is also too concerned with filming herself facing away from the table and not paying any attention to the potential choking hazards that her family is performing, asks her kids if they are enjoying their future diarrhea.  The one kids responds with a full sentence of approval, all with a giant mouthful of assorted chicken parts, and the parents couldn't care less.  No manners, no correction of meal time disrespect - nothing. 


In the end, all these commercials are doing are solidifying my choice to not eat at their establishments.  KFC's main competitor, Popeyes (on the west coast), at least attempts to make their food look good.  The only problem with that company's recent ads is their spokespersons speak something related to proper English, but is more in line with the future of communication from the generation of texters than people who had to write term papers in English class with a pencil and paper. 

Neither company's advertising campaigns want to teach you anything other than the laziness that too many families (and employees) already know.  KFC is trying their best to relate to their perspective of what people are - self-absorbed, non educated, not-giving-a-shit-about-morals or the social contract of eating respectfully around other people, narcissistic "selfie" takers.

KFC is using social media, or the Youtube generation, as the angle for their advertisements.  That's fine, you know, for relating to the times.  But in the process, at least show a little care and at least give us hope that the people you are portraying actually give a shit about the things that help make families strong.  Show kids who aren't always drowning out the world around them with their technology.  Show a mom who actually isn't proud that she had to go to KFC to get a quick meal because she's working full time with the husband to help keep a house over their family's head from the shitty economy.  Show people who wait ten seconds and swallow their food before eating.

Seriously, how funny would it be if in a thirty second commercial spot the parent asks the kid a question while he is chewing, and then ten seconds of the run time is spent watching him chew his food with his hand in front of his mouth, swallowing, and then responding in kind?  But holy hell, that would be an optimistic look at proper parenting and the teaching of social graces.  Nobody's going to buy that, you Kentucky Fried Cocks.

P.S.  Just to give you an idea at how stupid KFC knows the general public is, they changed their name from "Kentucky Fried Chicken" to KFC in 1991 because of their expanding menu and the problem with the word "fried" in their title in a more health-conscious environment.  Other than that, they changed nothing about their food (other than an attempt to have grilled chicken choices on their menu), and it is now a staple of family-sized dining.