By: JJ Mortimer
Road House was probably the last "true" 80s action movie, holding all the typical cliches and character motivations that made the decade so fun very close to its heart. My first day as a night club bouncer a few years back was a little nerve-racking because I had never had to physically handle another human being outside of a dojo setting. I knew there wouldn't be action like what we saw in Road House, but I was still curious as to how the real-life interactions were outside of a Hollywood setting. I wanted to know how much of it was bullshit.
The first question I asked of one of my supervisors was in relation to this movie:
"So, what do you guys think about Road House? Is the movie totally full of shit?"
His response is one of the most memorable things in my three years as a bouncer:
"Dude, that movie is our fucking bible."
Three choked-out humans, a few dozen drunken drag-outs, a handful of life threatenings, one knife pulled, two dry cleaning bills to remove blood stains, one loogie spat onto my face, a seemingly-devoured watch from off of my own wrist, three witnessed tazings, and one Gangs of New York-style parking lot brawl, and I had the time of my life.
Anyways, the following are a few things I learned from watching Road House's version of what bouncing in a rural town like.
1) A roundhouse kick is faster than a finger pulling the trigger of a gun.
2) If you're a bad-ass bad guy, you apparently spent time in prison, having "fucked guys like" Patrick Swayze.
3) A knee shatters with only five pounds of pressure, but ribs can take thirteen full-powered bare knuckle punches and ten solid boot kicks without any real damage.
4) You can catch a punch with your bare hand.
5) A 60-year old man can take four (4) 12-gauge shotgun blasts to the upper body before dying, let alone falling down.
5.5) Said 'fight skill-less' 60-year old man can pose a significant physical threat to a martial arts master.
6) Protecting your face while throwing (or taking) punches is for pussies.
7) Police don't give a shit about a town-based, violent dictatorship.
8) Police response time = 0:00 minutes (i.e. "never"), unless the credits are about to roll.
9) Blocking a kick with your testicles is a good defensive maneuver.
10) Your girlfriend will be pissed at you for defending your life against a man who has every intent on killing you.
11) Lying to the police when they finally DO show up = case closed.